Cheer #28

Love does not hurt.

Warning: this post could trigger some people's PTSD and will also have mild language. 

 Three years ago today, I took my life back. I said enough, and I made the choice to love myself enough to leave. It was terrifying, but I did it, because I'm worth more. I did it, because love should never hurt. 

 You never think it's going to happen to you. Then suddenly you look around and realize, it already has. You're in an abusive relationship, and now you have to figure out how to safely get out. I can remember when it hit me that it was time to leave. I was talking with a friend at work, my phone was buzzing with yet another text accusing me of cheating or being a whore. I was yet again making excuses for him, and my friend looked at me and said if you're still making excuses, you're not ready to leave. Right then it hit me, that I was ready to go, I was tired of making excuses for someone who didn't deserve them. 

 I called my mother crying and explained what was going on and that I needed help. I knew what I was about to do could go terribly wrong. Looking back on the relationship now, it was unhealthy from the beginning. Ladies, and gentlemen (because abuse doesn't only happen to women) if your significant other is overly controlling from the beginning, step back and look at your relationship and if it's really worth being in. 

 Back in high school psychology I remember hearing about "foot in the door" syndrome. Basically, you're getting ready to leave, and they tell you everything's going to change, they're sorry. So you stay, and you stay hoping that things will get better. Most of the time, they never do. For me they never did. 

 It started out small. He would degrade me, tell me I was lucky he was with me, because no one else would want me. I was never able to do anything without him. He was constantly accusing me of cheating on him while I was at work, or while he was at work. I was always on the brink of being dumped and kicked out the house I was living in. I tried to leave him twice, before I finally plucked up the courage to do it. Every time I tried to leave he pulled me back in with false promises. He would get better for about a week and then it would start up again. 

 Eventually he started putting his hands on me, he would shove me down. There were holes in the wall from him punching them when he wanted to punch me. I was not allowed to talk to my friends or family. Any text I sent he would read. At any point in time he would take my phone and go through it. Interrogating me about anything he found. I hated my life, worse, I hated myself. 

 I realized I needed to leave. What he claimed was love, wasn't. It wasn't anything that resembled love. He would tear me down to build himself up. He made himself the only thing I had in the world. If I left him, where was I going to go? He would tell me, you have no one, you won't be able to go anywhere. No one will believe you, what are you going to do? For a very long time, I believed it to be true. 

 The day I chose to take my life back was terrifying. His words played in my head. What was I going to do if no one believed me? Where was I going to go? Was he going to try and stop me again? Was he going to hurt me for trying to leave? I had to do it though, I had to love myself enough to say, enough is enough. And as I sit here with Aralyn in my lap, I know I made the right decision. I chose myself. I chose to take the risk to get out. It wasn't easy, and I bounced around on quite a few couches before Anna came to get me at my grandparents house. Easy was never an option though. Getting out was the only option.

 Now, I'm married, HAPPILY. With two beautiful girls. My life is so much better. I'm happy, and I'm healthy. I don't live in fear of someone who's supposed to love me. 

 Tonight my CHEERS! goes to loving yourself, and knowing when to say enough. Ladies and Gentlemen, remember, Love should never hurt. Abuse doesn't have to be only physical. It's emotional, it's mental, it's verbal. If you're in a bad situation, love yourself enough to get out. 

Always remember, there is help out there, you are loved, and you are worth it. 

1-800-799-7233

Until tomorrow,

Angel